Been spending more time in the bible of late so my mind has been more sane. Was reading about John 8:32 about the freedom in abiding in the word of God. Was also reading 2 Corinthians 12:8-12 about Paul's thorn in the flesh as well as God's power in our weakness. The more I thought about that passage, the more it did not make sense to me. I thought that the Christian life is always marked with success and victories. Where is the place for weakness? 

Guess I always had this picture painted in my mind that the hallmark of a mature Christian is a life without troubles or problems. Apparently not. Seems like my doctrine has been erroneous to some extent. Still trying to grapple with all these truths. Holy Spirit, please shed some light on these. 

Found myself praying and talking to God about some issues in my life. Really want to walk to the finish line doing what God has called me to do and not what I want to do. I realised that it's so easy to look at what others have and try to pursue them when it may not be what God has in mind for me. 

Been thinking about celibacy. Told God that if it is His will for my life, I want to accept it graciously and thankfully. I do not want to despise it because the world does not favor it. The bible calls celibacy a gift and if it is a gift that God has for me, I want to accept it willingly. 

For now, I am in the mode of just gritting my teeth and trying to hold on without backsliding till Jesus comes back. I need to change that as well. God I really need strength. 

Having prayed all these, there is a fear at the back of my mind. Actually, I think it might be at the forefront as well. I fear that I might and most probably will stumble again. I do not know whether I can take another fall and get back up again. Really do not want to go through all I have been through in the past year ever again......

1 John 4:18 says that perfect love drives out fear. Guess I need to realise more of God's perfect love. I know that I might fall again but in God's perfect love He has provided the payment in advance should I do fall. Jesus had already paid for whatever sin I might commit in the future. I really need to realise it. God I need You.

Overwhelmed

Was feeling a little overwhelmed on the way back from lifegroup just now. Tonight I felt like God really gave me a lot of revelation regarding certain stuff.

1) When a friend was sharing about the communion, I felt impressed to share about believing God for wholeness (spirit, emotions and body) rather than just believe for bodily healing through the broken body of Christ which seems to be more emphasized.

2) I was praying for a friend who was suffering from low self-esteem, which I struggle from as well. As I was getting ready to pray, I felt I learnt something new about low self-esteem which I have not heard in this way before. 'Low self-esteem basically stems from comparing oneself with others.' That is why God wants us to have our own walk before Him. And I was reminded about Jesus calling Peter to follow him after His resurrection and when Peter asked about John, Jesus simply told him to follow him (i.e to mind his own business). The incident can be found in John 21:20-22.

3) On the way home, I was thinking about faith being the great equalizer. Think I heard that quote from one of the preachers I used to listen to. Then I was thinking about God who is supposed to be a fair God but yet why different people have different gifts and resources to work with. Then I realised that God is indeed fair cos at the end of the day, 'to whom much has been given, much will be required'. So some of us who have more to work with in this lifetime will be accountable for more than others who may not be as 'advantaged' as us.

4) I was also thinking about what I believed subconsciously about needing to be whole in an area before being qualified enough to minister in the same area. The reason why I was contemplating about this was because I found it really difficult to minister to my friend in the lifegroup because I am also facing and still trying to overcome the same issue which is low self-esteem. So, to me its like a wounded healer trying to bring healing to another wounded person. Then I was reminded about the verse that said that God has chosen the weak things (1 Cor 1:27). It does not mention that God uses the strong or already healed. If God chooses the weak, then I suppose I do qualify. ;)

So much revelation in one night. No wonder I feel so overwhelmed, in a good way of course.

You Follow Me

John 21:18-22 (NCV)


¹⁸ I tell you the truth, when you were younger, you tied your own belt and went where you wanted. But when you are old, you will put out your hands and someone else will tie you and take you where you don't want to go." ¹⁹ (Jesus said this to show how Peter would die to give glory to God.) Then Jesus said to Peter, "Follow me!"
 ²⁰ Peter turned and saw that the follower Jesus loved was walking behind them. (This was the follower who had leaned against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who will turn against you?")²¹ When Peter saw him behind them, he asked Jesus, "Lord, what about him?"
 ²² Jesus answered, "If I want him to live until I come back, that is not your business. You follow me."


I have come to realise after so long that my walk with Jesus is quite unique. My situation and set of challenges differ a fair bit from the typical Christian. I am not trying to make myself out to be special. In fact, given the choice I'll choose to be the typical Christian anytime. Fortunately or unfortunately,  I do not have the choice and having been through all that I have been through has made me the person I am today. Coming to terms with myself and my walk can be and has been tough to say the least. 


I find myself very often like Peter in the scriptures above. When Jesus gave specific instructions to follow Him, Peter was more concerned about someone else other than himself. I suppose I am similar to Peter in a slightly different way. I too tend to ask "What about so and so?" I also tend to question why I have to go through what I have gone through and am still going through. I sometimes envy others whom I know are not and will never go through my situations and circumstances in life. 


"I wish I was better looking."
"I wish my parents are super rich and I do not have to work so I can pursue my dreams."
"I wish I was more charismatic."
"I wish I was taller."
"I wish my voice was deeper."


As I read through the scriptures above on my way to work today, I felt that Jesus' answer to Peter was very apt for me and my attitude as well. 


 ²² Jesus answered, "If I want him to live until I come back, that is not your business. You follow me."


Whatever I go through, it's my walk before Jesus. Everyone has their own walk with Jesus. It is not my business to find out how others walk. I am to follow Jesus and have my own walk before Him. Help me to remember that Lord......

Divine Health And Healing

Just some verses on health and healing......


Isaiah 53:4-5 (NASB) Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God and afflicted. 5) But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by  His scourging we are healed.


1 Peter 2:24 (NASB) and He Himself bore our sins in His own body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed.


Matthew 8:17 (NASB) This was to fulfill what was spoken through Isaiah the prophet:"He Himself took our infirmities and carried away our diseases."


Romans 8:11 (NASB) But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.

Strongholds

Just a thought. I only saw this over the weekend. 2 Corinthians 10:4 (Amplified) says "For the weapons of our warfare are not physical [weapons of flesh and blood], but they are mighty before God for the overthrow and destruction of strongholds," Usually strongholds refer to things that have been built up over a long period of time and are really difficult to overcome. I know for myself that there are a number of strongholds in my life. Thank God that His weapons can overthrow as well as destroy them.

"What? Are We Blind Too?"

The above question was taken from John 9:40 (NIV). It was asked by the Pharisees after Jesus had healed a man born blind and commented that it was for judgement that He (Jesus) had come into the world, so that the blind would see and those who see would become blind.

To me, that is such an ironic question because we know that the Pharisees were the "blind" ones and yet they were not aware of it. My question to myself is "Am I like that too?" Many times I have come across people who are so oblivious to their faults and attitudes that it kind of shocks me. It is like it's so darn obvious but yet the person does not seem to be the least aware. The Chinese have this phrase 旁观者清 which in essence means that the outsider sees the clearer picture. I think it is so true. Sometimes certain traits of my character are so norm to me that it really takes someone else to tell me about it. I pray that God will have people in my life who would tell me if they feel I have a flaw in my character.

In Everything

Philippians 4:6 Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.  Amplified Bible (bolding's mine)

This verses is commonly an encouragement verse to me, but occasionally it becomes a minor rebuke to me as well. I was listening about to my brother complaining about his wife and also listening to stuff happening in church. And after that I was happily or maybe not so happily giving my point of view about his wife and the happenings in church. It was only after he left and I was alone thinking back about what was spoken and lamenting to God about the existence of weird people, especially weird Christians that I realised one thing...... I had listened, I had gossiped, I had lamented but I had not prayed! In the midst of all the getting emo and stuff I had neglected the most important thing and that was to pray.

I had to recompose myself and start to pray about all the stuff that I had an issue with. And I take that as a rebuke. The bible is so clear about not gossiping yet I still continue to do so. The bible is so clear about praying about everything, yet I seldom do. Hmmm, will bear this in mind....... God help me......