Been spending more time in the bible of late so my mind has been more sane. Was reading about John 8:32 about the freedom in abiding in the word of God. Was also reading 2 Corinthians 12:8-12 about Paul's thorn in the flesh as well as God's power in our weakness. The more I thought about that passage, the more it did not make sense to me. I thought that the Christian life is always marked with success and victories. Where is the place for weakness? 

Guess I always had this picture painted in my mind that the hallmark of a mature Christian is a life without troubles or problems. Apparently not. Seems like my doctrine has been erroneous to some extent. Still trying to grapple with all these truths. Holy Spirit, please shed some light on these. 

Found myself praying and talking to God about some issues in my life. Really want to walk to the finish line doing what God has called me to do and not what I want to do. I realised that it's so easy to look at what others have and try to pursue them when it may not be what God has in mind for me. 

Been thinking about celibacy. Told God that if it is His will for my life, I want to accept it graciously and thankfully. I do not want to despise it because the world does not favor it. The bible calls celibacy a gift and if it is a gift that God has for me, I want to accept it willingly. 

For now, I am in the mode of just gritting my teeth and trying to hold on without backsliding till Jesus comes back. I need to change that as well. God I really need strength. 

Having prayed all these, there is a fear at the back of my mind. Actually, I think it might be at the forefront as well. I fear that I might and most probably will stumble again. I do not know whether I can take another fall and get back up again. Really do not want to go through all I have been through in the past year ever again......

1 John 4:18 says that perfect love drives out fear. Guess I need to realise more of God's perfect love. I know that I might fall again but in God's perfect love He has provided the payment in advance should I do fall. Jesus had already paid for whatever sin I might commit in the future. I really need to realise it. God I need You.

Overwhelmed

Was feeling a little overwhelmed on the way back from lifegroup just now. Tonight I felt like God really gave me a lot of revelation regarding certain stuff.

1) When a friend was sharing about the communion, I felt impressed to share about believing God for wholeness (spirit, emotions and body) rather than just believe for bodily healing through the broken body of Christ which seems to be more emphasized.

2) I was praying for a friend who was suffering from low self-esteem, which I struggle from as well. As I was getting ready to pray, I felt I learnt something new about low self-esteem which I have not heard in this way before. 'Low self-esteem basically stems from comparing oneself with others.' That is why God wants us to have our own walk before Him. And I was reminded about Jesus calling Peter to follow him after His resurrection and when Peter asked about John, Jesus simply told him to follow him (i.e to mind his own business). The incident can be found in John 21:20-22.

3) On the way home, I was thinking about faith being the great equalizer. Think I heard that quote from one of the preachers I used to listen to. Then I was thinking about God who is supposed to be a fair God but yet why different people have different gifts and resources to work with. Then I realised that God is indeed fair cos at the end of the day, 'to whom much has been given, much will be required'. So some of us who have more to work with in this lifetime will be accountable for more than others who may not be as 'advantaged' as us.

4) I was also thinking about what I believed subconsciously about needing to be whole in an area before being qualified enough to minister in the same area. The reason why I was contemplating about this was because I found it really difficult to minister to my friend in the lifegroup because I am also facing and still trying to overcome the same issue which is low self-esteem. So, to me its like a wounded healer trying to bring healing to another wounded person. Then I was reminded about the verse that said that God has chosen the weak things (1 Cor 1:27). It does not mention that God uses the strong or already healed. If God chooses the weak, then I suppose I do qualify. ;)

So much revelation in one night. No wonder I feel so overwhelmed, in a good way of course.